Happy Families

On my 46th birthday it suddenly came to me: Aspergers! My crazy-arse mother has Aspergers! 😳

Up until that pivotal point, I was near convinced that she was actually a narcissistic arsehole…¹

I know. I know! You’re not even supposed to think such things about your mother; let alone say them out loud! 

If you’re currently aghast at me… I’m picking that you probably have one of those nice, normal mums, now don’t you?!

Yeah, I knew you wouldn’t understand. 😒

Obviously, I didn’t want to think that my mother was a little arsehole… As clearly that’s not nice for all concerned! 😩

But you know what? While my ‘mommy’ can be a sweet, wee Mogwai… I would always have to be VERY careful not to ‘get her wet, or feed her after midnight’ because she can turn into an absolute Gremlin! 😬  

Fortunately (?), I was used to this — as it was all I’d ever known.

However, a few years ago our family was facing an awful feud where I found her bad behaviour escalating out-of-control, and I could no longer ‘manage’ her, no matter how hard I tried. And, boy did I try! 😅

Note: No,  I am not going to provide any specifics here. Family loyalty and all 👊

I decided I just couldn’t do it anymore, especially as I believed that I had done everything I could think of to try to fix our relationship and to fix our family. And, I was going through my own struggles at the time e.g solely running my own business, and Perimenopause.

Besides! I was sick of being the peacemaker in my crazy-arse family — especially as nobody else seemed to want peace?!

But I was also scared because I knew that if I resigned from this role, that nobody else in my family would be willing, or able, to take it on.  

And I was right. Sadly, what was meant to be a little break lasted for 4.5 years — until I resumed my rightful place in the pecking order.

Note: This break also regrettably included my Dad. He was collateral damage because regardless of Sharron’s bad behaviour, he always takes her side. (While, maddening, I do admire his loyalty to his crazy-arse wife 😒)

When this notion popped into my head I quickly consulted Dr GOOGLE…

And bugger-me-jeapers if this condition didn’t sound exactly like my bloody mother! 

I approached my partner, DMF  with my ‘accusation’ and my rationale. And he agreed instantly that it was indeed possible that this is what Sharron had! He had always insisted that my mother was “clueless” — not as in stupid, but that she was unaware of her ‘narcissistic’ behaviour.

I then approached, his mother (who was a teacher, and is now a teacher of teachers) and she also instantly agreed that this would indeed explain my mother’s interesting behaviour 🤗

And while this was all very well & good, both were concerned that this knowledge would go no further than this.
“It’s not like you can tell her that!” They said.
“Of course I can!” I said!
“How are you going to do that?!” They said 
“You let me worry about that!” I said.

Because as it turned out, I apparently had 46 years of experience dealing with someone with Asperger’s! 😉

I was full of hope! I had been saying to DMF for years, that if my crazy-arse mother would accept a mental diagnosis of something (anything!🙏🏻) then I would be more than willing to absolve her of all her sins (she’d been incredibly shitty to me over the previous few years, and I was definitely not feeling the unconditional love 😒)

So, I wrote her an email!

Thankfully, Sharron was very open to this theory.😅

It turned out that she was just as desperate as I was to figure out what was ‘wrong’ with her.

There was a bit of back and forth between us because she couldn’t get her head around the most important part of her diagnosis; the her being un-empathetic bit.

Note: I had left that ‘kicker’ out of my initial correspondence, as I wanted to go softly-softly.

For me, it was crucial that she understood the difference between empathy vs sympathy. Because she can be sympathetic in certain situations, but she sure as hell is not empathetic!  What do I mean exactly? Her condition means she’s not capable of putting herself in someone else’s shoes^2. 

She reflected upon this for a while, and realised that it was in fact true. And thus, my mother has accepted, and fully embraced her new label: Asperger’s 💛

It’s been just over three years since we’ve been ‘back together’ and so far so very good.

Technically nothing has changed, but everything has changed.

For one, it’s been a real mindfu<k looking back at our relationship through this new lens! 

And while our dynamic is still as it always was (e.g I’m still the peacemaker), I am now very careful not to engage with mum if I’m tired, hormonal, or need understanding. I’ve had to modify my expectations of what MY mother should provide me in terms of support. (Yes! Sometimes I slip-up, and always I pay for this mistake 😩)

However, I am very pleased to report that my Mum is actually making some breakthroughs with her own awareness, and she sometimes surprises me by acting like, well, a ‘normal’ mum!

(Woohoo, I’m proud of you, Shazza! You can teach an old dog new tricks after all x)

Note: Yes! My mother is okay with being compared to an ‘old dog’ — it’s actually high praise! Her special Asperger’s interest is dogs! Her and Mike currently have seven dogs in their motley crew. 😂

Stay tuned for my next article — there’s a plot twist!

A teaser: You know how I said above that I was supposed to be the ‘normal’ one in the family? Well, apparently I’ve been living in denial…🥴