52—Come on, you've got to know by now that...

Smoking is stoopid

A huge pile of filthy cigarette butts

All smoke and mirrors

Before you start reading this particular blog-post, I need to put things into context for you.

In my first year of studying to be a Naturopath + Medical Herbalist (back in 2004), my Anatomy + Physiology lecturer gave us an assignment.  She wanted us to write an anti-smoking brochure — so we could learn how the respiratory system worked.

I didn’t think serious scare-tactics + facts worked on smokers, so I decided to approach things from a different perspective. I used Black Humour to get my point across. This blog-post is based on this assignment without the ‘dry’ educational bits (that I had to pop in to get my marks!)

I realise that my readers aren’t smokers (or at least aren’t regular smokers). However, I thought you might like to share this with any friends or family members who do smoke. I’m sure you’ve got at least 1–2 people in your life who you’ve encouraged to be smoke-free.

My lecturer really enjoyed my assignment!  And, I hope you enjoy this blog-post  x

A baby sucking a dummy and a toddle sucking his thumb to indicate that smoking may be in the future
A young woman smoking a cigarette and an older man with a breathing apparatus over his mouth and nose

Go on, spit the dummy... or the next thing you'll be sucking on is a tube.

The Tobacco Companies, Advertising Agencies and Movie Production Companies have brain-washed you into thinking that cigarette smoking is cool. You’re not only a Smoker, but a Sucker too. However, ultimately it was your choice to smoke. No-one held a gun to your head.

Please note: A gun to the head is a much quicker and less painful way to die than the method you are currently using.

On a brighter note, at least when you die prematurely of lung cancer, you’ll already be partly char-grilled, so it won’t require as much effort to cremate you. This nearly makes up for all the passive smoking you inflicted on everyone during your short lifetime.

Note: Burial is not an option as worms do not like smoked food.

Q: Why do we have a Respiratory System? 
A: Because Scuba diving equipment just looks silly.

The Respiratory System equips us to survive in the atmospheric conditions on earth, much like Scuba diving equipment enables our survival under water. But, thankfully Mother Nature had the good sense to tuck the Respiratory System neatly away within the body. All bar the nose of course, which some people have been more equipped with than others!

The Respiratory System takes oxygen into the body and filters it into the vascular system, which circulates the oxygen around all of your body’s cells (this process works in reverse when you breathe out CO2). Your cells use oxygen to perform all the vital functions that are necessary to keep you alive.

While Scuba diving gear is designed to function underwater for only a few hours at a time, the Respiratory System is designed to function for a lifetime — providing you follow the correct operating instructions.

A scuba diver in full entire standing on land

Breathing for Dummies — How your Respiratory System works 

Strangely enough, your Respiratory System is not made out of rubber, plastic and metal. However, we’ll continue with this analogy to make it easier for your oxygen deprived brain to comprehend.

Just like you wouldn’t fill your Scuba Diving tanks with smoke, the same applies to your Respiratory System. Your equipment runs on oxygen. If you run it on smoke it will not work properly and you will destroy all the parts. Unfortunately for you, you can’t throw your Respiratory System away and replace it with another — you’re stuck with (to?) it.

There is just one simple operating instruction to follow: Apply oxygen!

A person is being cremated to indicate the only time a person should be smoking
This is the ONLY time you should ever smoke!

When Smoking goes bad  

If you think that it won’t do much harm to deprive your body of oxygen for five short minutes while you smoke a cigarette, try this easy experiment:

stop breathing for five short minutes.

It’s simple, if you were meant to smoke, you would have been equipped with a chimney instead of a nose, and incinerators instead of lungs.

So, if you continue to smoke, then you are dumber than you look. In the short term you will experience:

  1. Looking silly and smelling real bad

  2. Shortness of breath

    Not being able to keep up with the bigger, stronger kids.

  3. Destruction of your cilia

    These are the little hairs that remove mucus from your lungs.

    You will then have to hack up phlegm yourself — like a cat with a furball.


    Like drowning in your own snot.

  5. Impotence

    When a guy can’t crack a ‘stiffy’.

  6. Low sperm count...abnormal sperm...impaired sperm motility

    When a guy can only muster up a few freakishly deformed doggy-paddlers.

In the long term

Y0u will need be attached to a Life Support System — very similar to Scuba Diving Equipment; just with more tubes.

And you (or some parts of you) will die from one of the following causes:


    When breathing is like trying to inhale & exhale a beachball through a straw.


    This one’s a real doozy! Your extremities can decay and turn black from lack of oxygen. These will need to be cut off.

    Please note:  The extremities include appendages that dangle below waist level…


    There isn’t anything funny about this.

Lisa says:

Enlist the help of your friends

Tell them that you are giving up smoking and need their help. When they see you smoking, they are to yell FIRE and throw a bucket of water over your head.

Or alternatively, when they see you light up, they should crawl around frantically on the ground gasping for air, then jump out the nearest window

Take action

Make a promise to yourself that whenever you catch yourself lighting up, you’ll STOP, drop and roll.

You’ll look like a complete idiot and you’ll soon learn that smoking is not worth looking a fool for.


Join the volunteer Fire Department to alleviate your smoke withdrawals.

Distract yourself

Visit the Marlboro Wing (Lung Cancer ward) of your local hospital

Don't smoke. Smoking is daft.

Lisa also says, butt seriously...

There are many different resources you can use to get smoke-free.

To begin with call: 0800 778 778 to speak to a Quit Advisor or visit Quitline.

Naturopaths can help you get through the ‘withdrawals’. We can also replenish you in nutrients, and aid your repair + regeneration.

You might also find this blog-post that I wrote on herbal antioxidants helpful.

Make an appointment with Lisa

Lisa Fitzgibbon is a degree qualified (2006), experienced and registered Naturopath & Medical Herbalist. She runs her own private practice – OOMPH in Grey Lynn, Auckland, New Zealand.

Lisa has been involved in the Natural Health industry for 16 years. She draws on her professional training and experience, as well as her own personal experience to bring you realistic, holistic health advice.

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